Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My Mind is Blown

I am in a bit of a stupor right now.  Today was Tuesday but I don’t know that I realized that until just now…at 10pm. If it had been like any other Tuesday, I would have been up early, writing and posting my List it Tuesday list.

But it wasn’t like any other Tuesday. Not at all.

You see, I went to those doctors appointments yesterday…the one with the disability determination doctor and I had an appointment with my regular doctor. Crazy enough, the appointment I was most relaxed about, the one with my regular doc, is the one that has completely yanked the rug of life out from under my feet.

I found out yesterday that I have had a heart attack sometime in the not so distant past.

I, at 45 years old, have had a heart attack. Me, not someone I know…someone older…but ME. I.had.a.heart.attack.

Those words have done nothing but ring around inside this otherwise empty head of mine for almost 36 hours now and they still feel as foreign as they did when they first came out of my doctors mouth to me yesterday.

I know it. I realize what it means…kinda. I mean, I do but it just still feels so very foreign…like it’s real but it’s not real.

*rolling eyes*

I know, that sounds so stupid but I can’t explain it any better than that.

We don’t know any more than that I have had a heart attack right now…more in depth information will have to wait until after I have an echo-cardiogram and stress test on Friday to determine how bad and how much of my heart muscle has been effected.

I am doing my best not to focus on it but when some crazy, out of the blue thing like this happens, how do you NOT think about it? I have played in my art journal for a while (and the outcome looks like total crap but hey, it was quite cathartic to just make a complete mess!), listened to all 22 of my unlistened-to podcasts, watched all of my recorded episodes of “In Treatment,” but my mind keeps coming back to it, repeating it over and over…you’ve had a heart attack, you.had.a.heart.attack!!!

My mind is blown.

Considering that is all I can seem to think right now, I don’t know what I can do a List it Tuesday about but I want to do one so I can focus on something else, at least for a few minutes….I just can’t seem to come up with a subject or a theme. How about…

My To-Do List for This Week

  • Finish my tree painting/collage.
  • Make both bank payments.
  • Sort through another stack of magazines.
  • Begin creating the armature for the tree jewelry holder project.
  • Get the paint out so Toad can paint the kitchen cabinets.
  • Go grocery shopping (and actually cook a meal!)
  • Go through my art books and re-read one that catches my interest.
  • Begin drawing a portrait, Frida maybe?

I don’t think I’ll overload myself with any more than that for now. I imagine if I can accomplish part of my list, my mind will stay somewhat occupied.

So, that’s what is on my mind.

What’s up with you?

Peace & Love,
Barb

10 comments:

  1. That is very scary!!!

    Sending hugs and keep us posted, please!!

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  2. I finally started my list it tuesday too.
    That is terrifying. I wonder though, can you reframe it so that you have permission to do all the things youve been safing for "one day"?
    But I don't want to take away from it - so do know that I know it is terrifying. Hugs honey. Sending you and your heart happy healing energy.

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  3. I'm sorry Barb, what a frightening experience. I had a similar one when my dr said "you know you had a series of tiny strokes". Heck no! How would I know that?!? So I can relate. Try to remember that phrase I try to think of often "Keep calm, carry on." You're here, you're doing okay - just try to deal with each new step. Hang in there. Hugs to you!

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  4. I'm sorry you got such shaking news! My goodness.I hope your to do list will help take some of the stress away.

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  5. WOW!! Rugs are not the word, more like a cold slap! Please don't dwell on it and bring on something else. Remember, that what we think about, we attract. Sacry, but true. Think about your healing process and moving away and finding total happiness in your new home, and begin NOW! I am sending healing thoughts to your heart as we speak, my friend.

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  6. That's horrible! I hope everything turns out okay, just don't stress yourself out! *sending hugs!*

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  7. Two of the meditations I use for acceptance.

    "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
    Psalm 73:26

    "Why do you stay in prison
    when the door is so wide open?
    Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking
    Live in silence."
    Rumi

    Sending peace, prayers and undisturbed composure your way.

    ~betsy

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  8. Egad, Barb - I am so sorry you received such awful news... be extra good to yourself while you sort through it! So happy you jumped in with a list this week... sometimes tackling tasks one at a time can be very therapeutic! Hugs and take care! Aimee

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  9. Well, my mind is just as blown! Yikes. Take care of you, lady. You're scaring me. I don't want to lose ya.

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  10. Btw, have you taken over my podcast addiction? I'm jealous. Since baby was born, I haven't been able to listen to any of my podcasts! Of course, it doesn't help that Bob stole my ipod. So,what are your 22?

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Thank you so much for taking the time to drop by. I am open to any comments, questions, suggestions, critiques, etc, so lay it on me...
Peace & Love,
~Barb~

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