Thursday, October 21, 2010

Truly an Update

If you read my last blog post, then you know basically what is going on with my sister/mother, Donne…or at least as much as I knew on Monday evening. Things have changed a little bit for the better but not greatly, not greatly at all.

I swear, I have cried buckets of tears this week. Big.huge.buckets.of.tears.

*sigh*

Tuesday evening she and I were talking, her speech still slurred but more understandable, and she told me that she was ready to go. Uh, do what? Yeah, that she was more than ready to go…in fact, she was tired and really wanted ‘to go.’

Time for yet another breakdown from me. I cried like crazy, tried to talk reason into her, blah, blah, blah. You know the drill of what you do when someone you love and care about starts doing the ‘I wanna die’ kind of talking.

Or do you?

Maybe not every family goes through these things. Maybe not everyone has had friends or family members who have been suicidal or have/are dealing with what could be a terminal illness. I dunno. I guess I assume that we all have been the basic same kinds of things but that is a silly assumption on my part.

Anyway, we got through her being ‘ready to go’ and she woke up in brighter spirits yesterday (Wednesday.) My sister Cindy arrived to stay with Donne for a few days, her BUN & Creatnin levels continued dropping, her speech improved a bit more, she was able to feed herself with one of those big handled spoons and even made it to the bathroom with help & was able to bathe.

Flash to today (Thursday)…I woke up to my daughter telling me that our electricity had been turned off (thanks to my own huge quantity of meds ingested daily and how goofy and forgetful they make me), I forgot to pay the bill. Yeah, in the middle of everything else, our electricity was turned off…just what I needed. So, I jump out of bed and rush to the electric company only to find out they wanted $610 to turn the electric back on.

Oh yeah, I had to quit working because of my own illnesses so we lost my income making our life very hard already, now my sister/mother is in the hospital barely able to feed herself and I wake up to find out that I have no electricity and have to give the electric company every penny we have (plus some borrowed cash) just to get it back on?!?!?

Dammit, what else can go wrong? And who turned on the flood gates of ‘crap week’ at my house? Sheesh!!!

Oh wait, it gets better…not only did I have to delay my workshop start because of being over stressed and unable to think straight, much less able to be productive (my workshop which, by the way, I am shooting to have up and running this coming Monday, October 25th for those of you that are signed up…no guarantees since I don’t know what tomorrow holds with Donne but I’m hopeful)…now we are facing having to put Donne into a full-fledged nursing home.

Not into a nursing home for a little while but, as it turns out, for what will probably be the rest of her lifetime.

Now, would someone tell me how you wrap your head around that kind of thing? How do you put your flesh and blood that gave birth to you (even though she might not have done everything right by you but she did the only things she knew how to do at the time)…how do you put them into some old folks home with a bunch of people they don’t know, depending on nurses who won’t care diddly crap about them?

How do you do this? How do you sleep at night knowing you’ve done this?

Yeah, the hospital won’t even think about releasing her until she has somewhere with full-time care to be released to…not that a release is scheduled yet but definitely not until she has somewhere approved to go.

OMG, this is just so very hard. My heart has ached continually. I can’t have a continuous stream of thought without bits of Donne breaking into my thoughts. She is my birth mother, the woman who carried me for nine months…and even though her parents adopted and raised me, I feel like I am failing her by allowing her to be “put away.”

Then I begin to think about how since she is my birth mother, genetically we share so very much…will this be me in 20 years? Will my children be facing this dilemma and this massive heartache?

Oh geez, I have way too much going on in my life and in my head to be any good to any one right now. But I did want to check in and let you all know how things were going with Donne and with me.

We’re both a mess.

*sigh*

Peace & Love,
Barb

5 comments:

  1. That's how it always is...when it rains, it pours!!! I'm glad Donne is doing better, even if it is just a little....improvement is still improvement no matter how small!

    Hang in there friend. ((hugs))

    ♥Anita
    http://aseknc.blogspot.com/
    http://asesaj.blogspot.com/
    aseknc(at)gmail(dot)com

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  2. Hang in there my friend. It is always darkest before the dawn.

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  3. take a moment when you read this comment to just breathe, deeply, and focus all of your attention on that breathing. It sounds like you have so much going on. And then you are adding to it with all the "what-ifs" of the future. Which I totally understand, I do that a lot also. However, this would be so much easier to get through if you just took it one day at a time. I'd say the same for Donne too.
    Give yourself and Donne room to mourn before worrying what the other side of the transition looks like. I have great faith that you are both strong resilient women. and you will get through this. in the meantime, just breathe.
    hugs to you my dear.

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  4. Big (((HUGS))) and tight squeezes. Wish I could be there to be your shoulder. It sucks to be the grown up and have to face these kinds of things. Noone prepares us for this when we're little. I love you and am sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
    xoxo

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  5. barb, how to say it without sounding trite? i mean it, sincerely. may you find peace within the chaos. and remember, this too shall pass. all you can do is love your best and let go of the rest. (and damn the electric company!) sending love and blessings, hillary

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Thank you so much for taking the time to drop by. I am open to any comments, questions, suggestions, critiques, etc, so lay it on me...
Peace & Love,
~Barb~

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