Monday, October 18, 2010

My Heart is Cracked

I don’t deserve it but I am asking for you each to bear with me…those of you that signed up for my workshop, bear with me, I promise that it is coming to you. Just not on schedule. I am sorry.

I wanted to have everything up and ready today but nothing has gone right. I am sorry.

I have put hours and hours of my soul, my thoughts, my experience and my hope into making a workshop that would not only give information, guidance and knowledge but that would also awaken a creative yearning in my dear friends that have decided to take the journey with me.

This morning as I worked on finishing details, a text message cracked my heart open…my oldest sister (who is really my birth mother, but that is a really long story for another time) was believed to have had a stroke. She was slurring her speech badly, unable to stand without out falling or sinking to the ground and she was confused and a bit angry. She was on her way to the VA Hospital in Jackson, Mississippi where, hopefully, answers would come.

Those of you that know me, know that nothing like this is easy for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and tears well up in my eyes quite easily. They were overflowing my eyes for most of the day today while I stared at the phone, unable to concentrate or to be productive in any way whatsoever.

I took my meds and ate little meals and stared at the phone some more, waiting for word on my blood, my sister, my mother.

It finally came near bedtime this evening with word that it was not a stroke after all but, in fact, she is in renal failure…her kidneys have stopped working. Toxins have built up in her blood and are making her so very ill in ways that mimic a stroke.

I have a medical background so I know full well how serious kidney failure really is…it is deadly. Best case scenario means dialysis every other day for the rest of her life. But we don’t even know how bad things truly are, yet.

My heart is cracked and, as it fills with worry and fear, it is on the verge of breaking. I can not focus on anything as my body aches with pain that is near equal to that of my worried heart tonight, not even my art.

I can only hope that you will all bear with me and give me a day or two to get my self together, to cry the tears that I have to cry, to fear all that I need to fear, and to hear the news, good or bad, that will be coming sooner or later.

I am not bailing on you…my hard work and all of my heart and soul that have been poured into this workshop journey will be there for you, I just need a little time for some unexpected life that needs to be tended to before I can unleash my work out into the world.

Please keep my dear Donne in your thoughts.

Thank you. I love you all.

Peace & Love,
~Barb~

11 comments:

  1. big hugs to you Barb. I'm so sorry to hear this. and I doubt anyone could judge you harshly for postponing for this rollercoaster we call life. sending you and Donne lots of loving thoughts

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  2. Barb, I'm so sorry. (((((Hugs))))) to you and your sister/mother. I agree with Phoenix peacock. I doubt anyone would judge you harshly. Life really is a roller coaster.

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  3. ((((hugs))))

    nothing is more important than family.....take all the time you need...

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  4. We will always be here for you. Please take every minute you need to make sure all is right with your family. We understand. I am sending positive healing thoughts to your family.

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  5. Oh Barb, my heart is breaking for you! I am here my new friend if you need a shoulder. My thoughts and prayers for the best.

    Love and hugs,
    ♥Anita
    http://aseknc.blogspot.com/
    http://asesaj.blogspot.com/
    aseknc(at)gmail(dot)com

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  6. Sending much love and keeping you close...

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  7. Oh Barb, I'm so sorry ... sending many prayers out for all of you right now.

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  8. Sorry for your hurt. Prayers coming your way.
    No worries on postponing the workshop. I would do the same.

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  9. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please don't worry about the workshop, family comes first.

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  10. Take all the time you need. My thoughts are with you and your family. I'm so sorry to hear that you and your sister are having to deal with this.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to drop by. I am open to any comments, questions, suggestions, critiques, etc, so lay it on me...
Peace & Love,
~Barb~

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